Well, first - yeah - chatty is not good. Chatty suggests to the reader that the writer is not too sophisticated. And, a lack of sophistication suggests that if the writer makes that mistake, they may be the same as the other 20 people that sent them business plans that were chatty who were really premature in their ability to actually achieve what they suggest are their goals.

What has worked for me is that instead of over-describing something, use bullets.

Find a chatty paragraph, and pick out all the relevant info and leave them as bullets, not complete sentences. One of the biggest problems is that people who have not written a bunch of plans (and thus received feedback) don't feel comfortable with a dry style. Well, if one is asked to write a poem in iambic pentamiter (is that how you spell it?), then would you write that poem any other way? No, of course not.

So, use declaritive sentence structure and say what you need to say, not what you want to express.

In terms of a plan for a service company that sells nothing but experience - the only thing that'll work then in my experience and understanding is some time where the people have proven to run a private company on their own while showing not just a profit, but a customer base that can be expanded with more money.

Starting from scratch with this kind of service? Tough. Very tough. Not impossible, but very tough.

One thing to let us know about is who are you going to for the money? That may help, because each different type of money usually should have a different plan. Want money from a private individual? Then spin an interesting tale more than a dry explantion. Want money from a bank? Then only the relevant facts.

**Generally speaking, a bank will want to see two years of successful operation before they'll talk to you for a business loan**